I've got my spine, I've got my tv crush

And so I give in. Jes scares me. Also I couldn't resist...but at least I'll have the decency to hide it under another post by the end of today. Okay, so I don't actually have ten tv crushes, and therefore four of the ones below are...gasp...non-tv. There might be a clue in the title to that effect, in fact...right. In no particular order:

1. I worship you without quite knowing why. You are undoubtedly beautiful, worldly-wise and deeply honest, but I tend to admire you from afar. You are not mine, you never can be, because that’s not who I am, but who you are is perfect and I hope you stay that way so I can watch and learn.

2. You seemed a light flirtation – beautiful, no strings, easy company to keep. But after a while it was so easy that you became a little part of me – there is nothing about you that I dislike and you will live in my heart forever.

3. I think I have to describe you as easy, because you’re so popular and you sell yourself out in so many different ways. You’re immature and rather annoying at times, and yet I really hate people disdaining you because of it. You have struggles they don’t even deign to notice, and darkness and pain have become your constant companions. And you know I’m a sucker for that. You could still wreck it all, though…be brave. And un-cheesy.

4. Did I ever mention that I didn’t want to get to know you? You didn’t seem my sort of thing at all. But I felt obliged to try, and once I’d got the hang of you I discovered a whole new world. Literally - you changed my whole outlook in a scarily short space of time, and I’ll always owe you for that.

5. You’re less of a crush and more of an old, old friend. I forget about you rather easily, but without you there is a little hole in my life. When you’re around, the world seems simultaneously both crazier and better. I love you for your humour, your cleverness and your off-the-cuff idiocy.

6. I came so close to disliking you on first sight. You seemed far too highly-strung, and I couldn’t connect to you. But with a few honest smiles you charmed me, and soon I was head-over-heels in love as I realised just how much you hid under that smart-alec exterior. It’s not always been plain sailing, but I consider you mine in a way that few others are.

7. True love, self-sacrificing and humbling and horribly painful – this is the closest I get to it. You are whole and good and I forgive you anything. Yes, even that. Your story goes on, out there, somewhere, and I just wish I could see it.

8. You’re different to my other crushes. You’re hard to talk about, and people who really understand my obsession are few and far between. But you’re an undercurrent to my life, and if I neglect you for too long, coming back to you always feels like coming home. You are pretentious and unassuming all at once, and you have proved yourself to me so many times over that no matter what you do in the future (I fail to understand some of your recent choices, I must admit), I will always love you without question.

9. You…oh, you. Where do I start? I’ve even forgotten quite why I loved you so much in the first place. Your bravery, your cleverness, your wholeness and your sly wit, I think. But you led me to such new places that I kind of forgot about you as a person. Someday soon, I should put aside some time and remember why we were such a good match.

10. Were you my first crush? I think you were. Introduced to you totally by chance, you caused me to compare myself to you and feel ashamed. I’m not so obsessed with you any more – you’re stodgy and you can be very pretentious, but your ideals are the purest, your outlook the saddest, and for that I will probably always return to you in times of trouble.