I never thought of this as funny;
it speaks another world to me
So, as you may have been able to tell from the previous picture, I went out on Friday night for a Christmas dinner with the new graduate intake. It was a very fun evening, for me mostly because of chatting to one girl who I get along with pretty well, but everyone else was having a good time too. And the objectives of the evening, for at least 80% of them, seemed to be to get drunk and pull. I left at about 11, when I think there were 10 or so of them that continued on round other bars/clubs. Of those, one guy pulled two girls, one girl pulled two guys, even just within the group. One of the girls has a new (work) boyfriend, one of the guys has an established girlfriend who he is looking at buying a house with. This guy in particular was being all over anything female that came within arm’s range even by the time I left – which is part of the reason I left as I honestly like the guy and was beginning to get the undeniable urge to punch him for being such an idiot.
And on my walk home, as I contemplated the pretty frost patterns on the cars, I listened to my mp3 player. It, gauging my mood correctly, played me R.E.M. And this line made me think, appropriate as it is.
How much in the minority am I, that I don’t see the opposite gender as a big fishing pond with lots of options? That I don’t just wander round sampling anything attractive that comes my way? (Now okay, as succinctly put by Keppet the other week, there is also the pre-requisite of the other person being agreeable, but I’ll ignore that one for the purpose of argument and also because clearly everyone likes me. How could they not? My point here is that I don’t think I’d be any different even I had wider options…)
I’m not saying I don’t see the attraction. It is good to feel wanted, definitely enjoyable to have someone attractive give you a hug, or more. But…I wouldn’t be me if I gave into it. The next day, I don’t think I’d be able to see myself as the person I like to see myself as. I also know that, in my case, I have trouble splitting out anything physical from more idealistic, romantic I guess, thoughts. Physical safety implies emotional safety and…this is what my question to myself (it’s a twenty-minute walk home, I had time for quite a lot of thought) revolved around. Are other people really that good at disconnecting it? Does this particular guy really see it as no big issue that he kissed two other girls (and was more than suggesting each should go back to his, too)? Okay, he wants to make sure his girlfriend doesn’t find out, but that seems to be as far as it goes – he knows he gets like that when he’s drunk, and his problem is damage control rather than prevention. And I wonder whether he’d care about his girlfriend behaving the same way? There’s no…no introspection, no attempt at self-knowledge, certainly no thought of judging his behaviour against anything but that considered okay by his peers (who are of course now all refusing to let him live in his happy state of alcohol-induced amnesia and filling in all the blanks for him).
*shrugs* I dunno. I don’t even know whether I’m trying to make a point, or what it would even be if I were. I just felt…perplexed and disappointed, I guess. And then very, very glad I have you lot as friends – because I know my own chameleoning tendencies and without an objective standpoint I would be far more likely to follow the crowd myself. And then my mp3 player played me Green Day: Good Riddance, which gave me an entirely different set of thoughts to throw into the mix, but they’re unimportant. Silly mind-reading thing.
I suppose I am just worried. Worried for my generation, worried for the world, if this is our response to being single, emancipated, individual people of the Western world, taught to take what we want and let someone else deal with the consequences. Are we losing all concepts of responsibility, shame, or honesty? Does anyone even believe in love? Can anyone let themselves?
posted by skittledog @ 5:27 pm
3 comments
3 Comments:
Ata's opinion is that those who disconnect physical affection from emotional involvement achieve this by disconnecting from their emotional selves entirely, and will pay the price for it eventually in one way or another. Like the loss of a mate when they get sick of their partner's wandering ways.
I don't think we can truly escape from consequences, or lose the concepts of responsibility, shame, or honesty - they come around to bite us eventually, whether we recognise it for what it is or not. That is perhaps the sad part - that someone might experience loss, or sadness, or trauma without realising the part they've played in causing it. And therefore lose the opportunity to prevent or mitigate or repair.
I totally understand where you're coming from, Skit. Perhaps it's easy for me to sit back and say it, being in a long-term relationship, but I was never interested in all that stuff either. I used to despair of my mates inviting me out 'on the pull' to grab whatever was available in a mutually inebriated state, not actually caring for their own dignity or any emotional attachment whatsoever - just pulling for the sake of it. Were they trying to prove something to themselves? Were they just genuinely looking for a casual shag? I really don't know. But I was forever distancing myself from it as well.
Why... I'm not entirely sure. I don't often find myself attracted randomly to the opposite sex, actually. I mean, I'm heterosexual, I'm in a very happy relationship, but I very very rarely see a strange bloke and fancy him. It doesn't work that way for me. I have to know someone first. I'm attracted to people for their personalities far more than just their looks. I only ever had one crush in high school, and while it lasted for a stupidly long time, it wasn't centred on the guy's physical appearance, and it took a while to develop. So I don't think I could ever really get involved in that kind of behaviour because I just don't fancy random strangers. I think I have more self-respect than that as well. And I often find myself wondering if people regularly out on the pull actually have much self-respect at all. The two don't, in my experience, seem to go hand in hand.
I pretty much agree with Ata and Sky.
I'm having lots of thoughts now, and I'm wondering how to order them.
I don't get the 'pulling for the sake of pulling' thing, but I do get pissed affection, which aren't really the same thing... but are perhaps close. See, for me, I really, really don't see options everywhere, much like you, Skits. But when I'm with my friends or people I know quite well, whom I genuinely care about, the urge to give hugs etc. is just my inhibitions being lowered, I suppose. I dare say if I wasn't happily taken that I would allow pissed affection to go beyond that, but I really think it would stop at kissing. (This is in a wider sense, not strictly applied to my friends, and I'm certainly not suggesting that I have urges to tackle you lot when tipsy just in case you were slightly worried...)
How to make sense. I suppose it's this, I understand the urge to be affectionate when drunk. But for me, there's a line. It's just not who I am to cross it.
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