Navel-gazing
Introspection. Good thing? Bad thing? Recommended only in moderation?
I've been doing a lot of it lately. Some on purpose, some involuntarily when my mind has been idling. I feel...kind of like my life is not where I want it to be. But I don't know where I do want it to be, and even if I have an inkling of that I have no idea how to get there or how to keep the things I like about my current life.
That's the on purpose musings, because I feel I ought to figure some of this stuff out.
The involuntary...I think, somewhere in my subconscious, I'm scared that if I don't constantly re-evaluate myself, compare myself to those better and brighter than me, run through all the rules by which I run my life and see whether any of them are contradictory...I'll slip. I'll end up somewhere I never, ever wanted to be - and yet be unaware that I've ended up there. So I sit and I look around me and I evaluate where I am and compare it to how I think the world should be. And then possibly expand to why do I think the world should be like that - and which is wrong - what I'm doing or what I think I should be doing? And that can lead down whole other pathways of thought, and before you know it it's two hours later and I'm dreadfully dissatisfied with myself.
I'm not writing this for affirmation that my life is good, or advice, or any of that. This is merely to wonder whether other people do this too? I think a lot. I sit around a lot on my own and let my thoughts wander where they will. Sometimes, that's fictional characters and storyline possibilities. But sometimes it's me, and the world, and everything else. And yet...I get the impression most people, most of the time, don't do this. Or if they do, they're hiding it really well. But I don't think I'd be me without it. In fact, I'm slightly scared of just stopping doing it, one day.
Hmm.
posted by skittledog @ 8:45 pm
13 comments
13 Comments:
Rian tries very hard not to think.
That way lies Unhappiness.
I think less during the day since I have become busier. I think less during the night since I have started sleeping to Conspiracy Radio.
Anything not to think.
In fact, Rian prefers to think most about Other People.
Gazing at Another's Navel, yes?
I try not to think, because it always leaves me so dissatisfied. And worried that so much of what I do think is contradictory. And that I'm lying to myself and making excuses for why it could be ok for them to be that way.
Yeah, I do it, but I too get the impression that most people don't.
I don't like pointless things. Questions without answers. Work without results. It annoys me and so I ignore them, refuse to think about them.
Musings as you have, skit, fall into this category. I do not see any answers dropping out of the sky. No matter how I rearrange the equation, integrate or iterate, there is no QED coming.
So I keep to the simpler questions. Should I dress smarter for dinner? Or the more rewarding questions. What should I give to skit when I see her so I can make her More Like Me? Or the necessary questions. What cocktail should I order?
Weird, this subject was going to be my next post. But I'm glad you did it instead, because I couldn't get my words out.
I do it obsessively. Any idle moment is a chance to reflect, even if I don't really want to. I tease myself constantly. It's not good... I wish I could stop.
Hmm. I'd never really thought about this so blatantly. I think a lot... I think. But I don't think I think in the way you're talking about. (That was a lot of 'thinks'.) I don't tend to reflect on myself very often. I think about what I should be doing next (all the time - have to plan everything). I think about how best to go about new plans that strike me. I think about how lucky I am to have a great life that I'm so happy with, and I also think about all the things I want to do, both now and in the future. And I think about the past quite a bit too, and often find myself having lengthy internal rants at people. Rants I seem to repeat over and over... that bugs me sometimes. I wonder if I'll ever completely get over some of the stuff that's gone down in my life.
So... is that what you mean? Or am I doing something totally different? I also do a lot of imagining characters and other worlds... but I've done that since I was little, and probably always will. Great fodder for writing. ;)
I'm a thinker, too. If I'm around someone comfortable, I'll slip into periods of 'head in the clouds' behaviour.
I don't think that there is anything wrong with it. I don't think I could stop, either.
Hmm. Now I'm thinking about thinking.
Rian tries very hard not to think.
Really? For some reason, it was quite a shock to read that.
Sky - no, I never do any of that sort of thinking. Certainly no planning...
I am surprised by how many people seem to see it as a negative thing to do. I'd far rather know what contradictions there are in my mind and try and find a way to resolve them than just consciously ignore them. And as to the answer...no, of course there isn't one. Because if there is an Answer then there is Certainty and I do not like Certainty as a personality trait. Being certain that you can never be proven wrong? No - not good.
But there is still benefit to be had in comparing two of your own beliefs and seeing where they are incompatible, and which one you feel you should sort out.
Also, I don't like the immediate questions. I can never decide on clothes or cocktails...
Well I say if there are any screaming orgasms to be had in Angel, we should have them.
I don't think I could sit down and catalogue my beliefs. Giving something a name, for me, is laying claim to it. Owning it. Controlling it. And it is Certainty and Dangerous. I'd prefer not to be so closed off. So I don't sit down and alphabetise my past sins. I just use the talents and experiences I have gathered on the way through life to respond as things come up. Because before then, everything is theoretical. Until the moment of truth, as it were, any decisions made could easily be Wrong ones.
Obviously living in a purely reactionary way won't see me fulfil much potential. Oh well. It's my choice to avoid the hard questions. I fear that if I sat down and did things in a way not instinctive, I would make the wrong decisions for me. I would make the decisions others want to make for me.
Or something.
But I never think about such things.
Well I say if there are any screaming orgasms to be had in Angel, we should have them.
*applauds*
...ow. You made my ribs hurt.
Oh, all this thought is fairly much instinctive. I don't sit down and go 'this is what other people tell me to do'...or not that often although I do sometimes apply that with 'this is what I have believed up to now' and 'this is what a fictional character has just done.' Mostly I look at what I am doing and consider my instinctive reaction to that. And then evaluate why I feel like that about it. And so on, and so forth. But it's not sitting and saying right - these are the rules I will live by. It's kind of more...asking whether I have been living by rules I actually think were worth living by.
Bit of a subtle difference maybe. But I don't sit and plan to steal your son at some point in the future.
I say "what do I want to do here?" and not "what should I do here?". So I stop short of your thoughts a few steps. Personally I find this "step one" hard enough.
when I start thinking I usually end up wanting to dye my hair blue and run away with the circus.
I used to think, and mull, and ponder.
These days I watch dvds instead. I am now close to the point where I can hear the rush of nothingness swirl through my head. Damn, off to the circus now.
bob has past sins?
Do tell.
Yes, Rian is gazing at THY navel.
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